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[23 Nov 2009|05:37pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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I find myself needing to express myself but really.... I just don't know where to do it.
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| my birthday! |
[10 Nov 2009|09:15am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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MOM [5:51 A.M.]: Happy, happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you and will be thinking about you all day. You were born at 9:37 am Central time and we were so delighted to have our little red head. I love you very much and am soooo glad that God gave you to us. Mom
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[03 Jul 2009|09:03pm] |
a beautiful moment
ruined by a random thought
questions, plans, anxiety
I just.... I just...
want to be with you.
impaled by a rush out the door
left staggering in an armful of tears
alone..
again.
33 days have past
and my lips ache to be engulfed by yours
my mind dreams of being just, well...
my mind dreams..
wishing, gasping, needing
a fresh breath of air
a shoulder to lean on
someone to wipe these tears
a voice, that I remember
a heart that cares
I just... I just
I just want to be with you..
but you aren't even here.
elisabeth
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| Curvy Exchange! |
[13 Jun 2009|12:44pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
] |
Most of you already know, but for the newbies!!
If you're a curvy gal and want to find some plus size clothes for sale or trade, check out my livejournal community ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) curvyexchange !!!
PLUS SIZES ONLY!
Postings everyday! The more members, the merrier!!! :)
xoxo,
Eli
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[19 Apr 2009|07:37pm] |
hands are shaking
fists are clenching
walls are breaking
once again you lied.
plans were made
you left me waiting
minutes tick by.....and by.. and by...
disasterous thoughts captivate my mind
my heart starts breaking
wondering,
if you're even alive.
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| pictures |
[13 Mar 2009|10:51pm] |
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mood |
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curious |
] |
I look back at old pictures, by mistake, and I sit and wonder.....
what the FUCK was I thinking?!!!!!!
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[04 Mar 2009|09:19pm] |
surrounding myself with negative energy
pulling and pushing at my soul
breaking crumbs; piling high
this time will be the time
its buried deep.
the memory of you crosses my mind
pain slits my wrists in effort to feel you again
but I don't know what I want,
no not at all.
standing on the edge
shakey wind blew through red flames
white silk fluttering in the air
escaping again; flying high
fingers touch freedom
and I find emptiness.
falling; drifting; diving
doing a simple drive by
expelling these thoughts
writing.. writing... writing..
leaving a paper trail
seeking understanding
understand me.
I can't soothe this pain
I can't shake this force choking me
explode, pushing away
I need a moment to breath
punctured lungs collapsing in sight
but my heart aches..
my heart aches.
why do I stand here
when this fantasy is plastered with scraps of paper
standing on the edge
just waiting for that breath of fresh air
just waiting..
for you to get me.
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| valentines day |
[15 Feb 2009|01:10am] |
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mood |
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 loved |
] |
I had the most beautiful, amazing, wonderful Valentine's Day ever! So simple and so perfect.... with the perfect man...
I am so lucky and so blessed.. and so...... happy.
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| inspired by secrettweet.com |
[12 Feb 2009|11:06pm] |
you may think you're his lover, his friend, his companion. but really, you're nothing but another mommy taking care of an adult man.
p.s. I use the term "man" loosely.
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| just staring. |
[01 Feb 2009|07:05pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
] |
totally frustrated. struggling not to get depressed all weekend long. alone. boredom. it attacks at my soul like a screw driver through a heart. I struggle. I pace. I'm unhappy, but not depressed. I'm frustrated, but not having a panic attack. my skin is tingling, wanting to throw a glass into the wall, instead I just stare and do nothing.
what I would give to get into a fist fight right now. let all the frustration out. hush away the fear. break some noses. blood splattering everywhere. sounds like a bowl full of goodness to me. but instead I just stare... and do nothing. he'll be proud. but I won't be happy.
I can't wait until today is over.
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| David |
[30 Jan 2009|10:58pm] |
Desperately seeking for an answer
a way to crawl myself out of this hole
a way to heal the wounds
the sliced wrists
you left behind in the dark moon of August.
5 steps; 250 miles to touch your skin
and your skin has grown cold
what I would give to hear your goofy laugh again
and speak deep words only our souls know.
torturting and tramautizing as the months pass away
sometimes I wonder if you see me crying on the bathroom floor
tears dripping down my cheeks
as I imagine your blood dripping down your wrists
bright red face; lack of oxygen
red ring around my neck
imitating another way you could have passed.
6 months linger.........
walking around with a key to a door I do not want to open
keep it locked and tucked away
hiding, with a smile across my face
I know you understand this pain
I know you felt what I feel now
sobbing on the inside; while the outside is fake
you were one of us
but you...
couldn't be saved.
elisabeth
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| mmmm good morning! |
[26 Jan 2009|08:09am] |
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mood |
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loved |
] |
I have to say, my boyfriend is freaking deliciously hott. I see him sleeping and I'm just like... DYING to jump into his arms and curl up in his wonderfulness. I am so blessed to have such an amazing man by my side, not to mention an amazing man that spoils me (ie: another bouquet of white roses sitting in my living room along with chocolate sweets to cure my sweet tooth)!!! When did I get so lucky!?!!
Over 8 months and counting.... <3
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| score! |
[18 Jan 2009|12:21pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
] |
So I made it threw yesterday without a mood swing, although the universe sure was testing me!!! First with a bunked printer that I spent over an hour working on and then spilling my drink all over me in the car while trying to rush to get errands done before my hair appt..... and kinda already cranky from the damn printer! But I made it through with no problems.
Got my hair cut yesterday, super cute .. .asymmetrical, kinda punky/new wavey... I love it.... I'll ahve pictures soon of course :)
Went to go see Edwin's friends last night and we had fun just sitting around talking and goofing off. They are good company. We were home before midnight and E passed out immediately upon returning home. It was nice to do something and still be home at a decent hour so I could get up early this morning and do some things.
So after a week of eating healthier and not letting myself sleep all day Saturday..... 1 week with no moodswings, woOT!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I plan on keepin it up.
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| la-dee-da! |
[15 Jan 2009|07:53pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
] |
So things have been ok! Going good in fact. Actually I've noticed that during the week I do really fine, and then Saturday is when I get all moody. again probably has something to do with the fact that I sleep all day Saturday... so I'm avoiding that this weekend and I'm going to see if I can get my hair cut around 12pm. Providing I can get my hands on the cash, that is. Gotta check le budget.
Edwin told me to "cultivate" one of my friendships with a girl at work named Danielle. She's pretty rad, hippie chick at heart and we've been talkin more and texting on the phone and stuffs. My asst was out today so I went to lunch with D and hit up Panera..... greek salad was soooooooo good! *licks lips*. I'm proud of myself, I was social! woOT! ;) She and I have some stuff in common so I'm hoping sometime soon we will hang out outside of work. Lord knows shes invited me many times but I've been little miss frumpy anti-social lately... .but thats slowly changing. Edwin will be proud!
We're checking out a gym tomorrow that is literally like 2 mins from my house!!! I never knew it was there until the other day when I had to hit up Tmobile cause my blackberry took a shit on me and died. Then I noticed the gym's sign. I did some research and it sounds good for us so we are gonna drop by tomorrow after work and see what its all about!! I hope its not some rinky dinky gym and it will meet our needs :) Plus month-to-month, which is faaaaaaaaaaab! Really hope it works out, I could have a lot of fun with Edwin at the gym ;) ;) ;)
Hmmmm off to cook a sandwich for dinner!
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| episode #2 |
[11 Jan 2009|02:09pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
] |
I guess I'm on a weekly mood-swing schedule. Happened again yesterday... then again I slept all day yesterday and ate pizza all day too. I'm sure the excessive sleep and unhealthy eating had very much to do with it. Top it off with the uncertainty I've been feeling about an extremely important thing in my life and I was just a weeping mess.
I think Kristen said it best... he was and is one of us. Perhaps thats why I can't let go of David so easily. Perhaps thats why anytime I feel even a drop of a tear coming to my eyes the flood gates open and I just sob trying to make the pain go away. He was an artist. He was a poet. He was an intellectual. He was in pain... suffering... and struggling through this world just like we do. He wouldn't share that pain though, or I guess he just shared it with the wrong people, who eventually, probably, just gave up. How can you heal a tortured soul? Yes, he was one of us, and I guess a part of me died when he took his own life. A part of me was left wounded and bleeding, never stopping, as I continue to bleed now... 5 months later. He was one of us and I could SO easily put my feet into his very shoes and stomp around in pain and in anger just like he did. I could express myself poetically, fluidly, and in rage just like he did. I could love, and smile, and cry... just like he did. I could do exactly what he did.... because he is a part of me and I was a part of him. He was me, and I was him. His death tore at me like someone was ripping my soul out through my gut, but they were only able to grab a part of it...... a part of me I'm still missing and longing for.
My heart still hurts for Dave... sometimes I think he had the right idea. But then to know that the few loved ones that I do have.. how they would be left like I am; well quite honestly THEY are the reasons why I don't.... I don't walk down his path. But I can't seem to stop the hurt.. or the pain and somewhere in there my Grandfather and Great Grandfather's deaths from last year are tied into that lonesome longing. 3 deaths in one year, they were all so distant and far away and yet my wounds are still bleeding.
How can you get over someones death when sometimes you feel like it was your own? I wish he would have shared the pain with me... lord knows he never did. Our conversations were always light hearted and touching... we understood eachother as we shared poetry and words.. we both knew we had underlying pain, but rarely did we ever talk about it. I guess thats why I was in shock for so long. I guess thats why I'm still hurting now.
He isn't the cause of my depression... but he surely is a huge factor. Loneliness would be #1. Missing my close friendships, missing my life long friends. Missing my family and watching my beautiful niece grow up. I suppose I've sort of shut down. Unable to give any more. Unable to make an effort where an effort doesn't feel due. The world is lucky that I even get out of bed in the morning and the task of running around trying to make NEW friends is overwhelming and scary.
I can't stand another heartbreak...... I can't stand another failed relationship... I can't stand it being once again, my fault. Delusional, perhaps, but it feels that way as I sit here and ache to know how past friendships and failures drift through my mind. I wonder how they are, what they are doing. For some reason I long for them too.... but I know they weren't healthy for me...I think I long for the simplicity and the childhood. The easier times. Or my delusion of such.
So what can I say world? I'm a fucked up girl looking for peace and understanding, while hiding in my dark closet of comfort. Protecting my heart from heartbreak.. protecting myself from fear. I need some crutches... or a wheelchair.. I need some kind of support to hold my hand and slowly pull me out of this deep, dark, closet. I need a shoulder to lean on. I need an arm around my waist and a little nudge to move me forward. I've been down here for so long the light almost scares me now. The healthy glow terrifies me. I keep waiting for the door to slam in my face and its not........ but I can't approach the open doorway, not alone.
I'm scared and I'm sad. You would be too if you had to face everything I faced in 2008. You would feel used up and numb. You would feel protective and feel like giving up. Why make the effort when everytime you do your heart hurts more?
I guess thats how David felt.... I guess thats why he chose his path, to end it all. I guess the fact that I can so easily stand in his shoes is why a part of me went with him. I wish he would give it back. I wonder if he knew the rest of us would go spiraling out of control once he was gone? We did.... we still are....
When will these wounds heal? When will the bleeding stop? Who has the needle and thread to stitch this wounded girl back up?
I can't do it alone.
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| mixed episode |
[03 Jan 2009|09:09pm] |
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mood |
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 irritated |
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Mixed Episode: In the context of mental illness, a mixed state (also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode) is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously (e.g., agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage). Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. One may also feel incredibly frustrated in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas.
I'm totally have a mixed episode right now. I'm full of freakoid energy, want to run around frolicking and skipping with joy and yet at the same time I want to rip Edwin's head off for snoring and even annoyed by him wanting to touch me. Nothing to do with him... I'm just irritable and yet energized. *makes a crazy face*
The joys of bipolardom. I blame it on the 4 drinks of caffeine/sugar/soda today...... typically I stick to just 1 a day.
Damn I'm way too sensitive!!!!
Been having more bipolar mood swings including slight mania lately so it looks like I'm creating a "bipolar" tag to keep track.... yeppie! I think its my diet and lack of exercise. Good thing I'm starting the Sparkpeople.com New YOU Bootcamp Challenge tomorrow!
Off to burn off more energy before I consider hurting Edwin's nose!!!!!!
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[01 Jan 2009|09:48pm] |
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music |
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Blue Foundation - Eyes on Fire |
] |
I’m taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace.
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| sometimes you just give up... |
[31 Dec 2008|10:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
tonight I deleted 30+ people off my myspace, even more off my AIM buddy list, and a ton out of my phone book on my cell phone...
up next, facebook.
yes, I am home on NYE fuckin around on the computer... purging my past away.. purging the fucked-up-ness away. If only I could delete my memories too, that would be really beneficial.
I really fucked up my arm and hands while (purposefully) slamming my fists into my desk during a fight with the bf - fuck that, during a fight with Edwin, yes, thats his name.... Edwin. I'm tired of hiding it, its 2009 and almost 8 months later... I won't hide it anymore. None the less, my arm/fists hurt pretty bad. I have a headache too.
Dont mind me.... I'm radiating negativity and I'm making it all go away.
All you stupid fucks that broke my heart long ago...... you no longer exist.
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| phew. |
[22 Dec 2008|07:48am] |
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mood |
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 sore |
] |
I'm pooped. I cleaned the house last night like I've never cleaned before. Not that you would notice if you walked into my house right now, but thats mainly because I cleaned under/behind all the furniture. I swear I found 4 more Ralphies under the couches and behind/under my dresser!!! goodlord!!!! Hopefully that will help the hair-ball-tumble-weeds for a week or so.......
I really think I need to invest in a Roomba. Just have it run around all the time and have a nice clean floor. That would be SO nice. But the best one (which is the best for pet hair) is like $350! Aye ya yeeee!! I'll wait on that. #1 priority is paying all the legal fees to get my LLC going.
Lost 1 pound this week. WooT! Can't say I was that "perfect" with my eating either... I went chocolate crazy with the boyfriend's chocolates... .good thing they are all gone now, no more! I blame it on the PMS. Ate a pound of chocolate and still lost 1 pound!? Not bad! Worked out 3 days too.. not EVERY day like I planned, but I also don't want to run myself into the ground.
Omg.... can I just go curl back up with Ralphie and sleep all day!? Pleaaaaaaaaase!
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| he he! |
[16 Dec 2008|08:40am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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Tuesday, Dec 16th, 2008 -- You are probably quite relieved by the shift of energy, for whatever has been holding you back now seems to fade away. Maybe it's just your change of attitude, but it does seem like forward progress is easier today. Still, don't jump to any conclusions about reaching your goals right away. Elusive Neptune may have you believing that the finish line is closer than it is in reality.
so true..... <3
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